Last Day in Purgatory?

It’s 11 PM, and I just took an ambien to try to help myself sleep. Grabbing this computer was clearly not the most logical step toward that goal, but I wanted to quickly jot down some thoughts before tomorrow’s MRI and appointment–possibly the most important ones of the last 3+ years.

Tomorrow I find out if my first bout of chemo–2.5 grams of methotrexate administered during a 3-day hospital stay via central picc–was at all effective. I’ve been doubtful since the beginning, so I hope and hope and hope that I am totally wrong. After so many years of waiting, any change would be “comforting.” The lesion got worse, chemo’s not the solution; better, HURRAY, time to zap it some more. Just please no more waiting for an answer, no more questions, no more unknown.

Coping with my circumstances would be so much easier with a definitive diagnosis. As it stands, it’s very hard not to live each day a little more depressed than the last.

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