The Aftermath: Sucker Punches and Other Side Effects

I’ve been out of the joint for almost a week and am enjoying my freedom! Translation: I’m lying in bed without an awkward IV pole to drag around and drugging myself on my own terms. The joys of liberation are relative.

The past few days have been unpredictable symptom-wise. I’ve experienced the usual suspects—nausea, upset stomach, exhaustion, breathlessness, weakness, body aches—but also some very unexpected reactions. Last Tuesday, for example, I woke up with extreme lower back pain, as though I’d been boxing with Tyson and he sucker-punched me in both kidneys multiple times.

Mo, my attack cat--look at that precious gleam in his eyes!

Mo, my attack cat—look at that precious gleam in his eyes!

(At first I wrote Ali, but then I decided to change to the ear-biting rapist because in my uneducated opinion Tyson would be way more likely to throw illegal kidney punches. And to further my digression, I love Ali. I named my African bush cat Mo in his honor after Mo punched me in the face the first night I had him, but I thought it best never to tell my Burkinabé friends his full name in case they were insulted. After all, it would be pretty disrespectful to name a cat Jesus. Then again, I don’t know any famous athletes or really anyone named Jesus other than the main man, Jesús Marías and other Spanish derivations aside. One to ponder.)

Back to sucker punches: the pain was so sharp that I convinced myself I was having acute renal failure and was already chilling on Death’s porch with a glass of sweet tea and some biscuits. The clinic wasn’t yet open, so I called the emergency number, which resulted in a short conversation with the on-call doctor whom I also managed to convince that I was 75% dead. [This influential quality has been very useful at times; not in this particular situation.] He told me either to go to the ER or wait the 20 or 30 minutes for the clinic to open. Obviously, I would have chosen death over another hospital trip, so I opted for the latter.

When the clinic opened, I left an urgent message for the PA (physician’s assistant) to get back to me ASAP. Of course, he wasn’t there that day, so I decided once again that death was preferable to clinic visits two days in a row. [I had pre-scheduled appointments with my PA for Wednesday.] At this point, my parents had rubbed Icy Hot all over my back and I was wearing Thermacare wraps. It was quite odd that my kidneys were recovering so quickly from muscular treatments. It produced a calming effect. Once I learned of the PA’s absence, I started backpedaling hard—“I think the kidneys are lower anyway” and “This level of joint and neck pain seems totally normal”—until I finally un-convinced the clinician that I needed to check in with her. She repeated several times with concern that I could go in whenever, and I told her the next day would be just fine. Man, these people are so dramatic.

The next day, I asked all pertinent questions and found out my symptoms were pretty much normal. The PA lectured me about the importance of seeing other PA’s when necessary. I told him no one else understood me. He responded that he didn’t think anyone understood me at all. My parents concurred. I felt much better.

Other than that delightful experience, I haven’t feared for my life. I feel pretty lousy in a to-be-expected way, particularly since my latest blood test showed that my white blood cells were down to 0.1. They could very well be at 0 by tomorrow.

I have a lot more to write, but I’m getting really tired. Plus, shorter posts are better for attention spans these days. So until next time…get excited for #curlyhairproblems…TBC

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